those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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