I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
