Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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