phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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