I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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