I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
