why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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