How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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