He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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