Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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