Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
