omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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