Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
