I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
