At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
