erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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