I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
