dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize