so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
