Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the day after is always just damage control
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
