My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
