it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
