I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
