Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize