I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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