can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
