I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
