i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
