Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
