I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
