My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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