the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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