New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
