I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize