Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
