I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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