I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
