My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
