i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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