My nipple is on Facebook.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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