Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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