The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
