i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize