Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
