we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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