My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
