so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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