Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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