after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
