I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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