So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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