just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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