My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
