Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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