she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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