My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
