Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
