I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize