Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's the barista slut.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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