we have pet lesbian snakes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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