The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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