You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
