coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize