Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
