Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
