Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
